I guess I’m mostly writing this for my psychologist. I’m getting more and more hopeless with my inability to express what I am struggling with and the depth of my pain in words. It’s getting to the point where I am tempted to show my pain to compensate for what I can’t say out loud. Needless to say, I thought that writing it out my be a more effective action before resorting to that.
The past few weeks have been hard. I’ve dealt with hard before but this feels different. My mind will cycle for hours on end and then immediately lock me out making me forget everything that just happened. Thus my memory only serves me to Friday night right now, which I am shocked it is even letting me go that far back even if it is a little blurry. Wednesday I had a rough session. My brain was doing the locking me out thing which meant it was a very inefficient session. Given my increasing hopelessness, I’ll be damned if I let that happen again. That’s why I’m typing this I guess.
Thursday and Friday were fantastically good. Somehow I managed to twist that small relief into convincing myself that it was all over that I was okay now. Obviously that delusion didn’t last too long. I guess I’ll start with Friday night. I went over to Ashley’s house Friday night, not a terribly smart thing to do given the past weeks struggles, but then again so how after two days of being okay and “all better’ I thought I could handle it. Ashley spent hours showing me her facebook. Pointing out all the friends she had and then asking me about mine.
When I had to tell her the truth, that I didn’t have any. She tried to be empathetic but ended up doing her usual of telling me everything that sucked about that. instant depression, the only way I really can live with being aspi and the fact I will never have a normal social life is by ignoring it, pretending it doesn’t exist and absorbing myself in my studies to block this realization out. I can’t live with the fact that I’ll never have a social life. And I guess if that’s not enough to bring me to the place that I am today, it wasn’t just her school friends Ashley showed me, it was her rogers friends from 1 years worth of stays. She told me all about them and what they talked about. All I could think about was how mine all quickly slipped away from me and how that two months at rogers were probably the only times in my life that I was truely happy and satisfied with my life. It was the closest I had come to having a normal social life, sadly.
On top of that Ashley told me all about her new Mormon friend Jared Jacobsen. Last name sound familiar to you? Probably not, I didn’t pick it up either. Jared is the stepson of my first psychologist, the one who placed me at rogers. at first I thought that i was just concerned with Ashley’s scrupulosity and all but it became increasingly aware with my discomfort that it wasn’t the fact that Ashley was obsessing with Mormonism that bothered me it was the fact that Ashley had met Dr. Jacobsen and had a direct link to her now. At first I thought that was strange, I mean I had thought of Dr. Jacobsen a little bit since we stopped seeing each other but not enough to cause that kind of anxiety, depression, and jealousy. However, the next day, it became so apparent when the googling of anything “luhn’ “rogers” or “Stoughton” started. I was fucking jealous that Ashley could be that close to Jacobsen and I could be a fucking computer away from Luhn but I might as well be on another planet.
Things went downhill from there really fast. The pain rapidly increased as did my thoughts. Eventually it got to the point where I started having fantasies, I don’t know what else to call them. Basically, I’m growing increasingly hopeless over anything helping me here and my brain is telling me that maybe Dr.Luhn can help, he’s my last shot Great, except I can’t exactly call Luhn. I mean I can but he wont fucking return the call. So my brain starts coming up with solutions to this problem although like I said they are more fantasies than actual solutions.
Most of them start with me driving up to Wisconsin with a nice weapon usually a gun or heavy duty knife. Then I go in either through the front lobby and threaten the receptionist or I take the back way which they very intelligently never keep locked go up to CAC north and threaten an RC. other variations include threats on my own life until they call Dr.Luhn. After that it branches off A) Luhn decides to admit me to adult inpatient and see me. great except my fantasies are as hopeless and improvement-less as my current situation. Lately in this one its decided I need to be institutionalized after not being able to control myself even in an inpatient environment. So everything proceeds there normally until somewhere along the way, still in Wisconsin, I bail from my transport to the institution. this is where things merge with option b) which is where Luhn refuses to admit me and the cops come there are three branches out of this outcome. I end up killing myself, the cops end up killing me, or they arrest me and take me to a different hospital. However somewhere along the way I bail my transport.
See where these two outcomes link up. So after a and b meet up the story continues with me running for a while until I reach a weapons shop. I go in with a water gun that looks like a pistol no idea where i got it but anyway demand a gun and some bullets several options off of this branch as well. A) owner shoots me B) owner gives me gun and bullets I commit suicide. or C) owner calls the cops. Here there are two options again. I either commit suicide by cop, keep in mind they don’t know my gun is fake or they shoot me in the head and the stomach or lung. Here Dr. Luhn miraculously shows up 2 minutes after this incident and is able to stabilize me until they can life-flight me to UW. I barely make it but end up pulling through. I haven’t gotten to the part where I leave the hospital yet but the last thing that i remember/created/dreamt whatever is Dr.Luhn saying that he will work with me and won’t give up on me and that we will figure it out. What bothers me besides the whole Dr.Luhn theme is that in every scenario I end up dead or seriously injured. Dead more often than injured.
So this caused me extreme distress this weekend whenever i wasn’t sleeping which was as much as possible. It caused me distress to the point that instead of just googling Luhn, I started googling online crisis chats and the hospitals that had inpatient in Kansas city. I still wasn’t suicidal but I was losing it mentally. I was so distressed all I wanted was some injection of an anti psychotic or something to knock me out or turn me into a zombie. Maybe I’m doing better today, I don’t know. The fantasies arent as intense as they were this weekend. However, I am growing increasingly more hopeless over my inability to verbalize my pain. I don’t even think I covered it in this post but its better than nothing.
Its better than what I’ve had urges to do all day which is to show my psychologist my distress with scars blood and knifes. That’s not usually a good sign when I want to do that because I’m not a cutter until I feel like I’m running out of other options. I’m struggling to make it through the day, however I feel awful about making coaching calls. I mean I’ve learned that my chance of verbalizing what I need to say is slim to none and I have to be burning Dr. Nelson out. She must be starting to get mad and irritated at me. While I’m not having any suicidal thoughts, I’m in extreme distress and pain and to be honest at my wits end. I feel like I’m losing myself. Scratch that. I think I am losing myself.
